I’m not lost, I’m on my way.

 

Leaving corporate world is much like a painful divorce. When a company’s calling is an understood commitment to personal sacrifices and the industry expectation is a passionate commitment 365 days a year, it takes an incredible amount of faith to step out of that house of cards that sheltered your self worth for 10 years. The way of measuring value, adding up success, and mapping out progress becomes an obsession. Hours of energy are spent on bumping your value up on that grid by finding just one percent more! Days of focus run together without the realization that you have not lifted your head from your duties.

It was only natural I followed this path. After all, my entire self worth had shifted from my broken personal relationships to the more superficial structure of career identification. But somehow it swallowed me up. My self worth started to be challenged and I was completely out of control of the variables affecting it. Frustration led to a resolution that I will tighten up on all of the loose ends  which were challenging my path to value.

Without realizing it, my decisions had shifted. I was measuring how many calories I was allowed to eat. How many were burned in my exercise and awarding myself for equaling out intake vs. output. A spreadsheet of my finances became important. How many dollars do I actually need to make it a day? All of these measurements were justified as ways to control influences that affect my worth.

My resignation from corporate world was a paradigm to me. I’ve never given up, walked away, or even failed at any professional aspect of my life. I suppose that is why I leaned on it for value. The war within was constantly showing myself this path is no longer serving me. In fact, it was eating me up alive. What makes me sad is the idea that nobody knew it. Others only saw a confused and tired career woman; succumbed to burn out. That was my perception of their perception. This brings to mind the idea, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind always.”

I found my way out of that world, I have new decisions. What do I really want to do for the rest of my life? This section of the journey is about paying attention to what is placed before me. I believe there is more to this portion of my journey than finding my next career move. I believe there is more on the cusp of my grasp and I am keeping my eyes wide open with anticipation.

Sometimes, things fall apart in our lives and we are so busy trying to keep it all pulled together, we don’t realize it was the best thing that could have happened to us. Sometimes, things fall apart despite us. “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them. Ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” (www.tinybuddha.com)