The Power Of Grace

“The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.” ~ Michelangelo

If you asked me what my life quote was 15 years ago, you would hear this come out of my mouth. I was raised to aim high, work hard, and never give up. It doesn’t matter what I was doing at the time, it was with all of my heart. Never stop short of a complete hike. Never give up on a goal. Keep at your metrics. Run harder next time. Get up earlier tomorrow and try again.

What I have learned recently is this is not the healthiest approach to take with dog training. You can’t work harder, trainer longer, or talk louder to a rescue dog. I hit a wall with Carl. I cried. I yelled. I declared that maybe I made a huge mistake taking on the this project of a dysfunctional dog. I wanted him to listen to me! Trust me! Why can’t he be normal? Why does everything have to be so hard?

I think he knew I hit my wall. He seemed to look at me as if to say, “I know. I am tired too.” We agreed that what was happening was not working. So I started researching more about rescue dogs, traumatized dogs, dogs with behavior challenges. And I found that my steam engine approach was not going to be effective and changed my ways.

It’s been 16 months since Carl entered our home. He has come so far. He is a calm dog who knows how to behave in our home. He is respectful of our space. Almost perfect in every way in the home. But Carl has a very low frustration tolerance and poor impulsivity control.

We went back to the basics. We are working on the art of leaving the house again. We are working on riding in the car calmly. We are playing brain games. We are still walking in the cemetery. He started to blossom once again. Progress is notable, but all activities take a very long time. Carl cannot be rushed if he is expected to make wise decisions. He needs processing time.

So, what changed?

I stopped judging Carl. I stopped expecting him to play the life game by my rules and expectations. Carl may take years to reach the level of socialization that I aspire for him, and I have to be ok with that. I have to ask myself each day, “What activities can Carl and I work on together today that will build our confidence and make us feel successful?”

Because what I am learning is that Carl can only do so much. I have to accept that he is still unlearning three years of something different from what he is expected to do now. Teaching him skills to manage himself is a daily task. But allowing Carl to learn the tasks at his speed has increased his trust in me tenfold. He leans a little more on me to guide him through the scary world out there. He knows I have his back. Now, when he sees something he wants to bark at, he mostly waits for my response. He is quicker to pull away from a trigger. He is showing improvements in his de-escalation. Continued success does not mean it’s time to graduate to the next level. Maybe we hang out in our comfort zone for awhile so he can mature his skills.

We are on track because of that one day when we both had a meltdown on the sidewalk. We looked at each other and said, “I’m sorry I haven’t been what you needed from me.”

As humans, we don’t give much grace to one another. We have our expectations, our judgements, our beliefs of how others should function. Perhaps we should take a moment and ask ourselves, “Do I understand why I am frustrated with this person?” A little more grace and letting go of judgement can change the dynamic of your relationships.

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be Kind Always.” ~Robin Williams